Fear and Healing in Door County

When I was diagnosed with Stage 3a invasive breast cancer just after my 40th birthday, the fear of dying nearly crushed me. My boys were ages 6 and 9, and I was practicing more than full-time as a family physician, including weekends and overnights on call in the hospital. Early on in my first practice, I had witnessed one of my patients die from breast cancer in her early 40’s, and I speculated that would soon be me.

Scouring through medical journals on surgery and chemotherapy options, I obsessed about my prognosis and the worst case scenarios. I contemplated how my children would grow up without a mother and how my husband would react to my early demise. It was the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing I thought of as I cried myself to sleep every night.

As with most women who face this diagnosis, breast cancer changed everything for me. Prior to the diagnosis, I rounded on patients in the hospital in the morning, saw patients in the clinic all day, then arrived home for dinner around 7:00 pm. I would spend a couple hours with my husband and sons, then complete my charting and respond to patient messages on the laptop in my son’s bed until he fell asleep. My husband was a wonderful stay-at-home dad, giving me the ability to work long hours. I knew this wasn’t a healthy lifestyle, but I felt compelled to honor my commitments to my patients, giving them the best possible care. Now I realize that this lack of work-life balance and detrimental sleep schedule significantly increased my risk of cancer. Yet at the time, I thought I was doing the right thing!

Since our family was never traditional, we often struggled with our roles and society’s expectations. However, it was never as difficult as that year. I continued to practice, although scaled down to part-time, throughout the treatment. As I was going through chemo and radiation, my younger son would say“Goodnight Mama”and kiss the top of my hairless head every night. My devoted husband took me to all of my treatments, cooked healthy meals, and held me as I often broke down and wept. That’s how our family made it through the toughest year of my life, with love.

By the time I finished radiation and started endocrine therapy, the side effects were debilitating, including chronic migraine and severe fatigue. My oncologist recommends a full ten years of endocrine therapy, as I have a high risk of recurrence. Eventually and unfortunately, the side effects became so severe that I was compelled to give up my medical practice. My husband entered back into the workforce with a full-time position in Information Technology, lifting the financial burden. However, I remained emotionally paralyzed with a constant fear of recurrence.

I knew I couldn’t continue on the same path that led me to cancer in the first place. Recognizing I needed to make a change, I searched for help and found exactly what I needed in an Infinite Boundaries retreat. I attended the Bjorklunden retreat in June 2016, meeting Klara and connecting with other young survivors going through similar struggles. It gave me solace to know that I was not alone in this struggle, and their compassion and empathy warmed my weary spirit.

From the moment I arrived, I was treated like a princess! The volunteers carried our luggage and served us all of our meals, deliciously prepared by our personal chef. Meeting in the "Wise Women Circle," the group helped me move through my overwhelming feeling of fear, as well as anger, regret, and resentment. It wasn't only talk sessions, however. On the second day, we went zip-lining! This exhilarating experience had a profound impact on my spirit. It's difficult to describe in words how the exercises bonded us as a team, other than to say that afterwards, we had a higher level of trust for ourselves and each other that continues to carry on in our daily lives. The following day a Somatic Yoga instructor guided us in a gentle yoga session. She specifically focused on the chest trauma that all of us have been through, and it felt amazingly painless and so soothing to my fatigued muscles!

The pinnacle of the retreat was the "letting go" ceremony, focusing on releasing negative feelings that no longer served me, allowing space for health and happiness. I was finally able to let go of my fear of recurrence and start living in the present moment. It’s not that I’m completely fearless; I’m realistic about my long-term prognosis. The key is that now I am aware of the fear when it rears its ugly head, and I have the power to move past it. In addition, I learned that my own health has to be my number one priority, so that I can strive to be truly present for my life and loved ones.

Over 1700 breast cancer survivors have attended Infinite Boundaries retreats to this date. It feels incredibly humbling to be one of this group of strong women, including those that have passed on. It's like I was inducted into a sorority that I never wanted to be a part of, but now I can't imagine how I could have moved forward without their support. I’m eternally grateful to all of the survivors who helped guide me through this incredible journey of emotional healing.